"what am i doing here?"

that question was posed by an 85 year old bishop at yesterday's commencement at my alma mater. his age and inflection made the audience chuckle at this query, because frankly, it was funny. at the same time, it was a bit eerie, since i had been wondering the same question for most of yesterday. ten years ago i graduated from this school, and now, i'm back at commencement in the rock bowl as a faculty member. it was in many ways really surreal. i could not help but ask myself some of the same questions that the graduates might have been wondering themselves. what's next? what does the future hold? can i handle it? at the same time though, i was reflecting on the last 10 years. it was almost impossible to do otherwise while watching these recent grads face their future beyond college. each speech asked the students to consider what they wanted from their future and encouraged them to be the best versions of themselves possible. i sat in my goofy looking regalia wondering if i had accomplished that in the 10 years since my own graduation. in some ways, i felt parallels from then to now. for example, a decade ago after my commencement, my family was frantically packing my stuff into black garbage bags to a room in a house i thought i'd be living in during the summer of '98. i only ended up living there a short time, but regardless, it was a fast-paced move to a new space. this week, i moved (with the help of great friends and my awesome dad) into a new apartment in dubuque. ten years ago i was desperate to stay in town and hang out with friends during the summer. leaving dubuque was something i was totally not ready to do. now, i'm still here after almost living here for a year. it has been a great 9 months in many ways, but my desperation to stay is not as strong as it was in '98. ten years ago, i was starting a new relationship and finding love again for the first time in a long time. ten years later, i have learned a lot and still feel like i have a long way to go in terms of figuring out relationships. but i'm grateful for all the wonderful friends that i have met along the way and can't imagine life without them. ten years ago, i was trying to figure out the future and anticipated that i would be a teacher...ideally at a small liberal arts college. ten years later, here i am. it has been great in many ways and surprising in many ways. i'm not convinced i've found the best fit yet, but i have gained so much from the last year and anticipate the next one being busy and productive. ten years ago i was wishing i was thinner and had a better complexion. that hasn't changed ten years later. :) but i do have to say that despite the gray hairs and extra pounds, i have more confidence now than i did then. i have my moments, especially lately, where i'm full of doubt, but overall, i have a better sense of who this kate person is. ten years ago we sat outside and got graduation-cap-shaped sun burns. ten years later, the first commencement in a decade was held outside in the sun. only a slight burn on my nose this time. :) ten years ago i was worrying about the grades i would get, and now i'm dreading grading papers and tests. so what does all this rambling lead to? i suppose in some ways, i've gotten closer to what i pictured as the best version of myself. in the decade since graduation, i've lived in many different places, met so many great people, finished two degrees, fell in love a few times, and accomplished much. i've lost loved ones, gained new nieces and nephews, experienced immense pain and joy, and in ways i don't like to admit, become more of a grown up. i racked up enormous loan debts in pursuit of my education. i've become a teacher. i've lived on my own in another country, state, city... i'm not a millionaire by any means. i don't own a house. i'm not married. no kids. i have a great apartment and don't have a car payment. i work hard still. i read for fun. i struggle with faith. much has happened. much more than i have listed so far. it's hard to believe in some ways that ten years have already passed since i left college. and i'm not sure what the future holds at all. but i hope that i keep improving on this kate project. that i can get closer to that ideal self that i was charged to find or realize ten years ago. in the meantime, i'll be happy about how far i've come. :)