"and that's the way this wheel keeps working now..."

so apparently using lyrics as blog title's is my trend. that's probably no surprise though to the regular readers. this tidbit comes from the song wheel by john mayer. like many of his songs, there are parts of it that resonate with me. ultimately it's about life changing and not really knowing how it will turn out (at least that's my interpretation.) as previous posts have indicated, my life has changed a lot in the last 4 months in ways that i wouldn't have anticipated. i spent a lot of the summer kind of mourning those changes. and avoiding the reality of them. and fighting them. and though i needed to do a few of those things, ultimately i know that i can't undo them or go back in time and do anything differently. that isn't always easy to grapple with, but at the same time, i finally feel okay with that. more than okay actually. i really feel open to whatever it is that is going to happen.

if you had asked me in june if i would feel excited by the not-knowing i would have probably told you that you were a crazy asshole. but now, i'm just trying to be present to the present. i know that might sound new-agey or something, but i'm a planner by nature. so i struggle at times to just be. to just take in what's going on right now without thinking about the future. for whatever reason, i feel like my planny nature is taking a backseat. i'm still thinking about what's to come...applying for some jobs, updating and improving the vita, and considering options. but in my consideration, really for the first time in a way, i'm realizing that staying where i'm at is a viable option. or at least it could be. i think i got so used to the idea that was leaving here, that i wasn't really paying attention to some of the great things about staying. and there are some really great things.

so, if anyone has some words of wisdom on how i can figure these things out, i would love to hear it. in the meantime, i'm going to focus on making my classes as great as possible, completing some useful research, and spending quality time with the fantastic friends. (and of course, hang out with my family too...and hopefully soon!)

for the first time in a while, i'm not just being rhetorically optimistic. i feel it. and i'm so excited about what's going on in the here and the now. and i truly believe that because i'm good person that the last line of wheel also applies to me.

"i believe...that my life's gonna see, the love i give return to me.

i believe!"

:)