"i have reason to believe the grass might be a little greener on the other side"

i haven't really blogged much this summer. part of the reason for that has been an inability to actually post what i've been going through on here. it felt to me as though if i put it up here, it would be real, and i just wasn't ready for that the be the case. (and i don't like using my blog in a passive aggressive way, so hopefully this post won't come off that way.) i'm not convinced that i want it to all to be real now either, but i should probably write and update anyway.

in many ways, this has been one of the most difficult summers of my life. i've had rough ones before, like the summer of five years ago or summers without stable employment and financial worries. this one trumps all of those. i think part of the problem was that this was my first summer off since, i dunno, high school. i did teach in the first session but was basically done working by the end of june. so i had high hopes for what i might be doing with all the time on my hands. instead, i faced the end of one of the most important relationships in my life. and that end has been terribly difficult and painful, and probably made worse by all the time on my hands. though i have had hope that things would change, i'm not sure it will. which means though this person means more to me than i can explain, things are going to change. i've been really unwilling to accept that and stubbornly just wanting him back. but i can see that no good is coming of that strategy. and though i don't want to and i'm still not totally ready to, i have to move on now. there is nothing easy about that and no cliches or anything make it any easier. for now, i just have to struggle on and hope for the best...and accept whatever that "best" might be, even if it's not the one i wanted.

though it's been tempting to just wallow on my couch like a slug, i've also managed to go on a few trips and make some new friends this summer, which has been great. the most recent trip was to new orleans (followed by texas and las vegas which were also good but clarifying in a way that i wasn't wanting). i went to NOLA in order to prepare for my january term class. it was an amazing time and i hope i can hang onto some of the lessons learned while dealing with everything else. something i realized while i was there, was that i was really isolating myself in my grief. the second day i was there, i went to mass at st. peter claver and was very moved by the community. it made me see that by trying to handle all of this on my own, that i was really closing myself off from relationships with others and creating distance between me and the people who care about me. i don't want to say that the trip gave me perspective, because something about that seems very trite, but it did help me temporarily get out of my own head and to just be more willing to go with whatever will come. that is a hard proposition for a planny person like myself. seems i'm always trying to figure out what my next move will be. instead, i was just present to where i was and who i was with. i needed that. i also got to reconnect with my great friend jocelyn. she is so awesome and i've missed her so much. i can't wait to get back there in january and sharing NOLA with my students and i really hope i can get jocelyn up here in the fall to talk at my school.

so anyway, i had more coherent thoughts than this, but they are not translating. to sum up, rough summer...yay for reconnecting with awesome friends.

in other news, it is almost mid-august which means that school is starting soon. totally and completely not ready to be teaching again. this year should be a busy one though and hopefully a productive one as well.